In my 20s, I have learnt that when you chase what you want and the life you want, it does sometimes mean becoming the friend or the sister that no one can count on.
Choosing a life of transience – of freedom – means I am not at home for some of the big moments in my sisters’ lives. I missed one of my sister’s prom and her leaving secondary school. I missed moving the other sister into her university. I trade these moments for different ones – meeting new people, making a difference in people’s lives. But is the trade off really worth it? The question is a constant niggle in the back of my mind. Is the life I want truly worth trading the big moments in the lives of the people I love?
When I was new to full-time travel and the world felt like my oyster, my answer to those questions was undoubtedly yes. But now, as I reflect on my nearly 18 months of travel and think deeply on the trade off, something in me aches and I wonder if that was the right choice. But then I think of all the amazing things I have gotten to experience that I wouldn’t have even been able to dream of had I stayed in my small town and the ache eases because I don’t regret the path I chose; I simply wish there was a way for me to have it all.
So, how do I deal with this? I intentionally carve out time to spend with those I love when I am away. I dedicate Saturday afternoons to lengthy facetimes that span the globe or I send five-minute-long voicenotes to my sisters weekly or bi-weekly and they do the same. This life that I spend in constant motion has taught me the art of being intentional and I love my life because of that. I make space for those I love on every adventure: I buy thinking of you gifts or write notes to them or send them stuff that reminds me of them. And then when I am home I spend time solely with them – catching up and bonding in a way that facetime calls and voicenotes just don’t allow.
But, I am not saying it is easy because it really isn’t. You are the person they can’t rely on and as the oldest sibling, that is a really hard pill to swallow. When your youngest sibling gets a boyfriend, you aren’t the one they call asking what outfit to wear on the first date because time differences and work schedules make that too hard. When your sibling needs advice, you’re no longer the first point of call. When it’s Christmas and everyone is buying gifts, you are no longer the buyer of the parent present. Life changes, roles shift and you come back to a reality that has been altered by your absence. You notice that your sisters are so much closer – they have inside jokes that don’t include you and memories that you’re not in. And that is so hard to deal with. But then you remember all the people you have met and all the things you have seen and realise that maybe this is all just part of growing up.
Have you ever felt this way?