I feel like I am in this weird part of my life where I want to follow God’s plan for my life but it seems like He is silent. So, then I start applying for things myself but get crickets in response. I mean, seriously, in the last month or two, I must have sent off at least 100 job applications only to get maybe 3 responses. Obviously, that leaves me feeling disappointed. And then I pray about things and it seems like God is behind them or in them so I pursue them with everything in me only for them to fall flat weeks later. Take for example, the job I am doing right now. I prayed about it and it felt like God urged me toward it, everything was falling into place and I could hear God’s voice whispering yes throughout the process. Now, though, a few weeks in, I have been told they need me for half of the time we initially discussed. Again, disappointment fills me. Yet, there’s still that hopefully voice in my head that talks about the plan God must have for me this summer or next winter or next year. But then the cynic questions: how many more bouts of disappointment will I have to deal with before this big good thing happens?
So here I am in a season of waiting that just feels like a whole ton of disappointment. And i think the hardest part is feeling like this in 2026 when my 2025 was so loud and busy and fulfilling. Everyone talks about how you are meant to have better years upon better years but so far, my 2026 seems like one massive disappointment. And, sadly, i am starting to feel like a disappointment because of it. I mean, come on, how could I go from the girl who was teaching in Africa or being a summer camp counselor in America or a waitress in Lapland to the girl who doesn’t have a clue what to do. It feels like I am back-sliding at this rapid rate and I don’t know how to pull myself back upright again. And then to make matters worse, people who are younger than me and were enamored my lifestyle last year are surpassing ,me and going on these epic adventures and i want to be happy for them yet all i feel is sad for myself because their success is another reminder of my lack. Then i feel bad for making their success about me and the cycle continues and God doesn’t really get a say.
Then I started thinking maybe I was looking for someone to blame during my season of waiting and I realised that I wanted to blame God but when I really looked at the decisions and events that led me here, it was all me: I was the one who decided to slow down this year, to spend more time with God and to prioritise building things that will last for more than just a season. But, even with that realisation, there’s still a lot of fear in this new path I’m walking. I’ve foregone the comfort of booking myself up with back to back contracts and I have little to no financial safety net this time around. And maybe the hardest part? I’m feeling that incredibly intense pressure of proving myself again. Because once you start living a life that is different to the mainstream norm, theres this expectation that you will keep doing it. Theres an expectation that i will do van life or fly to south america or climb a mountain or do something crazy and have another awesome adventure. It feels like slowing down and recalibrating is no longer an option which makes a season of waiting that much more gruelling especially when you are not really sure what it is you are actually waiting for.
So, this is me, learning to patient in the time of waiting, to lean on God instead of myself and to be obedient even in my disappointment. And it is hard but usually the hardest things in life are the most important. In my twenties, i want to learn the hard lessons so that when I am older (and the stakes are undoubtedly higher) I don’t have to.